5 things I never imagined I would say...until I became a parent

It's been a few days since I made annoying comparisons regarding parenting, right? I think we're due again. Being a parent is akin to whitewater rafting; it's guaranteed to be a very wild and bumpy ride. Your first time out (also known as having your first child), when you are going over some class 1 and 2 or maybe even 3 rapids (think colic), it's just rough enough to cause an intense feeling of pride and-dare I say it-cockiness when one emerges on the other side unscathed (around the first birthday). This sense of elation and cockiness often leads to musings such as "See, that was ok-scary at times, and with some unforeseen turns, but overall kinda fun. Maybe we should do it again-it can only get easier, right?"

With the arrival of the second child, parents progress to class 3 rapids., with maybe a 4 thrown in every now and then for good measure (I'm thinking toddler meltdown in a public location while lugging around a young baby in a car seat). Things start to really heat up. The third child takes us firmly into class 4 territory-It's a very choppy and unpredictable ride, with several sudden and not always expected drops that are likely to make you fall out of the raft now and then if you're not very careful. Child number 4 is more of the same. I've never rafted on anything more dangerous that a class 4 rapid, just as I haven't had more than 4 children. I hear, though, that 5 children changes the rules of the game entirely, similar to the transition from 2 to 3. Can anyone confirm this? Either way, there's little doubt that parenting, just like whitewater rafting, is the thrill of a lifetime; if you survive, you get the most incredible rush. In order to increase your chances of survival, though, always wear a helmet. A raincoat wouldn't hurt in either scenario, for that matter.

Without further ado, here is my list of 5 things I never imagined I would say...until I became a parent:

1. "Did the baby have a caca when he woke up? No? What about Gentle Giant ? Yes? How big was it? Was it overly liquidy? He's been teething again this week. Oh good, I was wondering whether that would pass." Imagine this conversation taking place over breakfast as casually as one would ask, say, "Did you remember to take out the garbage?". With children, far more conversations than I ever thought possible revolve around caca; the topic becomes normalized to the point where we don't even realize it's not dinner-table conversation until our guests, who don't have children, suddenly lose their appetite.

2. Boy am I glad we have orange carpet. In our dining room.

3. Please get your face out of your brother's crotch. I don't care WHAT it smells like.

4. Why would you put kitty litter in your underwear? Seriously, I don't understand. WHY????

5. Would you please put the books away? You can't read ALL the time!

It's important to remember that a number of these are said in French, which changes slightly with translation. But you get the idea.

What odd things have you found yourself saying?